Shouldn't I have this, shouldn't I have this, shouldn't I have all of this and..

(actually, the title is just a line from a Mary Chapin Carpenter song that talks about being demanding. I don't think it's my general attitude that I expect to have a lot of things handed to me. I just thought the song was appropriate.)

Apparently, included in our program fee were regular psychoanalyses by Argentines. After three weeks, during my first check-up interview with Dear Sir Resident Director for Clemson, I was told that I was demanding to a fault and that it set me up for failure. This is after knowing me for three weeks. And today, one of my favorite professors, also the program director, my advisor from Clemson, and a native Argentine, informed me that I was too controlling and that I have “so much light within but it can’t shine because I am too worried about being in control.” So I actually I have no idea where she got that from, but I decided to ponder on these psychoanalyses by the Argentines while I was in the shower today. And also all day before I got in the shower after my second Oral Proficiency Interview, meant to level out my progress of Spanish, but which also included the bonus psychoanalysis today.
So I think about my personality. I wouldn’t completely consider myself type A, I mean I am not always considered the most “put together” person – I am often caught sleeping in, I’m not afraid to skip class every once in a while (sorry Dad, but my GPA still looks pretty good, right?), I am consistently hounded for having a messy room, and I don’t have to take a shower everyday to appear in public. I also wear wrinkly clothes. When I think of the ideal type A, I think of that roommate I once had who was a frequent ironer, who woke up early to go eat breakfast before class, and who made her bed every single day. She was really impressive, seriously. But maybe I have this idea of type A all messed up and it has nothing to do with that. I definitely would be considered by Freud to be “anal expulsive” instead of “anal retentive,” so good job with the potty training Dad. Although I’m pretty sure my father would prefer that I have more characteristics of an anal retentive person in relation to my cleaning habits.
But anyhow, back to my analysis of the Argentines’ psychoanalyses of me. So am I really a control freak? I will tell you right now that I like schedules. I like people to be where they say they will be when they say they will be there. I mean give or take a few minutes, because I would be a hypocrite otherwise. I am not althogether unmerciful, seriously. And given some things in my background, I understand where some unfortunate events in my life were beyond my control and have made me probably more likely to want control over some other stuff. I think that’s pretty natural. But I think the demanding analysis actually hit closer to home. However, I don’t believe that I consider it a fault as much as Dear Sir does.
See, during my shower this evening, I thought about where I would have acquired this tendency to be “exigente,” or demanding. Dear Sir says that I demand not only a lot of myself but also of other people. So I think, “Do I demand a lot out of other people?” And the answer is a resounding yes. But I don’t think that I got this from negative influences, really. I think rather, that it came from many positive influences in my life that demanded a heck of a lot out of me. I think I have this natural tendency to demand excellence because I like quality, I would say I almost have a fetish for quality. I like quality people, quality time with people, quality materials, things of substance. But why is that a problem, eh?
My father is definitely a demanding dude. I have always had a strong push towards the high road from him. Not only is he demanding with me, he’s demanding with a lot of things, really. Maybe everything. (You didn’t know you got a psychoanalysis out of my trip to Argentina did you Dad?) But why would anyone at any point want to accept anything but the best effort out of anyone or anything? I mean obviously we are human, we screw up. We are not perfect. But shouldn’t we be striving for the best? Who wants to be lazy and accept whatever is in front of them?
I think another very strong influence for my pursuit of excellence and therefore my demanding personality is Kanakuk. This summer kamp (☺) demands excellence from its kampers, from its staff, from the people it hires out to do maintenance. I remember this summer seeing this motto at kamp and going, yeah! that’s right! “Excel still more.” Kanakuk has always been a place that demands a high level of effort and an awesome attitude from everyone. It’s not because they’re a selfish place that just wants to pad their reputation, it’s because they are Biblical. They are spurring us on to greatness, as iron sharpens iron… I’m pretty sure Jesus asks us to be pretty demanding in our choices and our lives. I mean heck, God demands that we be perfect and holy. Thank Him that Jesus died so that we can actually achieve that, but obviously we need to be working towards this excellence.
Dear Sir Director constantly ends his emails with “any doubt or issues at all, please feel free to contact me.” And he has told me before to come to him with any issue no matter what, to feel free to tell him. So at this first check-up I told him I really thought it was strange that they demand that we be on time, yet my friends have waited for an hour to do their interviews, only to have someone come out and tell them that it was cancelled and pushed back to another time. I was pretty upset with the lack of respect of our time, really. And I had been invited consistently to inform them of any issues, so I did. Then came the comment that I was demanding to a fault. So that’s cool. But then I think about how this is a university where students can pass a class with 75% attendance and an average of a 4, which is somewhere near a 40-50% average. Talk about demanding excellence, eh? Did I mention that you’re also allowed to retake one of your tests if you blow it? Yeah. You can.
So I wonder if I don’t make them uncomfortable maybe, me and my crazy demanding attitude. I mean maybe I am hard on other people, but I think it usually stems from these influences that I have had that say, “Do your best and expect the best from others.” People always disappoint. I disappoint people all the time. I screwed up big time this morning when I abandoned Alex with the travel agency deal. Sorry Alex. But I don’t think that’s going to stop me from expecting high quality any time soon. So sorry Dear Sir, I’m not letting you off the hook.